13 December 2009

the cosmic trainwreck of my sleep

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For the past few days I've been sleeping myself to smithereens. Whenever I do this, I think it's my teacher sending me stuff to work out, open me up, get me the hell over this hurdle, these hurdles... but... well... as you surely must realize by now... 99 sleeping is a completely different ball game than anyone you ever met, and that has been so for my whole life.

Anyway, I have been dreaming up galaxies, for dirt certain, and knowing about it while I'm doing it, but not being able to pluck out from it anything that really sticks, any accessible memory that holds long enough to talk about. A few times, right in the middle of something else, I get it back, but it's gone again before I can report it.

There is a distinct feeling that I'm not even a woman anymore in some of it... that maybe I'm a man dreaming... or maybe I'm neither dreaming... the identity thing is really losing its bearings. It is to do with blogging in ways never attempted before, doing things with it that take people places they've never been... or where they've always been, but are clueless about it. There seems to be some sort of math to it, which bothers me because math is a place where people think they are seeing something out there when they are in fact seeing what's in here, so to speak. They're looking in the mirror while they think they are looking out the window. Anyway, there is a lot to it, and as I am dreaming it, it feels vital, vital, vital and when I get up I feel the same way, but it's not forming up into anything I can sit down and deal with intellectually.

Perhaps it is the light turning around and it's time for me to stop bothering with my intellect, to know this stuff — to have these insights — with my true mind. I might be trying as hard as I can again, which is very, very tricky stuff, because the effort and will must be intense but one can't have an idea about anyone making that effort or it actually sets one back, puts one stewing in their own juices a thousand times more hotly, getting nowhere.

So, I am sorry if you've been looking for news or things to consider about the world while I've been in my galactic sleeping mode these past few days. But this is everything to me, and if it's trying to crack this nut, that will turn out better than you could dream. In the meantime, of course, it will just be at least as strange as ever....

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