07 July 2010

i went roiling off to bed before midnight

[click image, a fabulous actor I never knew could sing....]


Had been drunk for a good part of the evening. I had THREE great big huge margaritas out to dinner with Mom for Dad's birthday. Luckily, she didn't drink that much and she was driving. Also, luckily, I'd had a very big chicken breast sandwich and fries so that much booze didn't kill me. But I was good and sober again by the time I hit the hay.

I was dreaming of Arthurian Knights and their gallant feats of right over might. I was seeing for the first time some of the secret deeds of deepest antiquity taking place and needing to translate the images into something that would bring you the truth. It was like being a movie editor. I was seeing these men and their horses and their deeds about which no one in the world knows and trying to transfer snippets of the sight into video, into imagery, into a workable presentation of the beautiful truth to give to the world.

I was becoming so joyful in the feeling of the power to do this that it woke me up and sent me in here to my mother's not-a-computer to tell you about it. I snapped wide awake from it at 3am sharp.

I was going to be able to TELL you the answer to life, the universe and everything in images instead of numbers. You were going finally to know the beautiful truth that was channelling through me from the depths of spacetime to save the world. I did not stop to marvel at it. AS it was being shown to me I was working already to to turn it into YOUR vision, YOUR sight, YOUR elation and release from the benighted bumbling of consensus. My only part in this beautiful truth was getting it from my eyes into yours... and I'd known how to do it! Was doing it. And the happiness was so intense it woke me up at the stroke of three.

I was splayed naked on the cement slab in the guest room and grinding my face into my pillow so hard I think my nose might have moved several inches closer to my left ear. I also sort of had myself in a wrestling move I believe they refer to as a "choke hold". It was very elegant and involved getting part of my pillow jammed so hard into my windpipe that I know for sure whoever gives points for that action would have marked me very high in the suicide slumber division of the Olympic Self-Wrestling Trials.

I got to hug my Poppa at last. He couldn't stay awake too long on his big day, so it wasn't enough for me, but it still felt like heaven to just be there, just take him out of the crazy ward and sit on the patio, eating cookies and helping him sip on his favorite soda... just sitting and touching him.

I also found out the completely fantastical hallucination upon which my younger sister's twenty-year quest to make my life miserable has been based. OMG! It may have been better NOT knowing all that time because at least then I could think I must have done something while in a trance that wounded her grievously. I certainly never did any such a thing of my own accord and while I was awake in my own skin and not transported onto some plane where fairy soap-opera bitches descend from their airwaves to loose their perfidies on their highly imaginatively vindictive little sisters, but I guess I never realized until tonight that it could have its "basis" in a type of revisionism SO transcendental that it no longer holds any congruence with actuality whatsoever. The power of thin air.

But I saw Arthur's Knights saving the world tonight.

I don't know if I can even get it all across if I become a great movie director or novelist. I think I need to be able to just blast the beautiful truth directly from this end of this mind to that end of this mind, so you can at last know.



  1. Early to bed, Early to rise!

  2. Well, now, that was a little extreme on the early side... especially since I'm usually not even asleep by then.

    I was so toasted by the time I got to Mendo World that I had to have myself a nap. Crashed and burned hard this afternoon. Then went out to the Purple Rose with Peggy, Jim and neighbor John. Peggy and Jim continued on down to an airport hotel in San Francisco for a morning flight and John brought me back here.

    The silence here is NEARLY as complete as it was in my cabin in the forest a couple miles from here and I can't yet describe what it's doing to me to be in it again, after so long. It hurts pretty badly. It hurts to leave your heaven, knowing you can't ever go back.

    It hurts to see the crusty old clerk at the local store still there, these years since I was yanked away. Walking into the Rose was no different than it ever was. Got a little hair of the dog from getting so wasted last night.

    Still reeling from all the sudden activity, all the emotion, the cosmic vexation of my little sister's thing, all the driving, all the birthdays, all the love, all the people I can't live without and do.

    I think I'm going to go out on the deck with a double depresso and a cigarette, soak up s'more of this silence I have missed as though it were my lungs for all this time.

  3. Silence,

    God what I'd give for some silence!

    Too broke to buy the gas to hit a mountaintop to find it.

    Not too long ago everyone around the house was out cold by 10:00 so on weekend evenings the house was still. I could read a book, watch a movie without interruption or drag out my guitar and recording cart and be in bliss.

    Anymore the kids are up to 3 or 4, TV blaring and I'm totally frustrated! Tiny house - no where to find peace and quiet.

    Makes me long for the gold mine cabin on the feather or a day in the bowels of the Diggins

  4. Once again the code got strange - the underline is continuous, but there are two links up there!

    Diggins is the second link.

  5. No kidding, my dear man. I do NOT know how you bear it. I know love goes a looooong way... but I think I'd've had to pick bringing 'em up feral to escape that noise and craziness and heat and such an almost total inability to get some space. You are a better man than I am.

  6. Well, and certainly not least because I'm a woman... but... well... you know what I mean.


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