09 March 2011


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I have taken all kine NSAIDS and dug around, which weirdly doesn't hurt at all, but bleeds, and swooshed with hydrogen peroxide and swooshed with warm salt water and hung myself and jumped out the window and jumped into the raging sea... all to no avail.

Then I remembered the Dilaudid left from my surgery... maybe too soon after resorting to a chill pill... and so... the pain is gone. But I might not keep breathing through the night... so says PubMed, anyway, and they're wusses.

C'est la vie, type of thing. I knew a woman who killed herself accidentally while trying to get her pain down well enough to sleep. Her ticker wasn't strong enough for the pain meds. I don't think I'm following her example, but, well, I think I've isolated the offending tooth. Even though a bunch of other ones and my cheek and tongue are all chiming in that they are the problem—that redundancy of nerves I have in there, of course—so, even after having the distinct impression that I'd fixed the problem yesterday and this was almost all better, suddenly, as everything was closing, this came back on like a ten alarm fire and I have been in way worse pain than even the awful pain yesterday. So if I've killed myself, it will probably be more merciful than the County dental clinic, where I will be found if still breathing in the morning. I can tell you that at this moment I feel darn peaceful and there's only a distant ache in my right cheek right now.

If only we had video of me earlier this evening. You would be much relieved I eventually remembered the Dilaudid pills. You will even believe it the best possible solution if I screwed up and didn't wake up. Phil, bless his heart, appears to have left me some mystical advice on pain management in yogis. I'm unsure because I was rendered unable to read at the time it came in, and am shortly to be too woozy to read, but maybe I can study it for the future after someone's bashed this sucker with a hammer or whatever they do around here to sobbing freaks with their hair standing on end.

If this hasn't made any sense, it's the drugs, man. Most of them don't work on me right. Can't take most pain meds because they make me wired and don't touch the pain, but things with some vestigial molecules of actual opiates work fine, thank heaven. Oh, shit, where's that other Bukowski quote?

Misogynist old fuck had some great points on just about everything except women.
We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.

love, 99


  1. My apologies 99,
    I only tried to give you advice I actually used. The tatwas thing, I actually read out of the Golden Dawn at the time, and I had only LIMITED SUCCESS with it. e.g. it didn't work all the time, and like you, I could barely understand it, however I did have familiarity with the patterns on the mirror and what they meant, which is an advantage. Also I didn't have any access to any pain medication at all.

    But I will be damned if I didn't even remember the most basic thing. Opium based drugs. So I am glad you dug around and found it.

    You see, I too have had bad teeth.
    I put up with tooth pain for years actually. And I used many tricks, but one thing I know, is opium based shit can't go on for ever, it either runs out or doesn't mix well with alcohol. (this results in the trouble breathing specifically) And hurts your liver, if not destroys it from the fucking Tylenol they add to it. (Another genius DEA idea I'll bet)

    Alright I'm done go get sleep, help.


  2. Don't be sorry! Heck. It was probably good information! I just need not to be in screaming pain to catch the drift. Turns out the dilaudid are too old. They only work for a very short time and I'm back in medium-monster pain after even taking another. I can't sleep for more than about a half hour before the pain wakes me back up.

    So. Goody. I didn't kill myself.... :o[

  3. I saved the links to read when I'm lucid again.

    Right now I'm drinking coffee with my head tilted all the way to the left so it doesn't touch off my screaming tooth on the right. Goofy. Horrifying.

  4. Well there is an opportunity here in a strange way, I know you have plenty of other crap on your mind at the moment, like finding a real doctor and all, but you might take NOTE if your left or right nostril is plugged, or both, and if the pain is HORRID or light, and at the specific 2 hour segment if your resultant pattern on a mirror at the same time.

    Then perhaps after your healed by a real doctor, if you wanted to go back and check out the tatwas thing and tear my poor ass description up, you might understand it better.

    I mean there's only two holes in your nose, and a limited amount of patterns you can make on a portable mirror.

    Ever since I snagged a copy of the Golden Dawn I found it overly complex, it could be much more simple. In that light I simply remembered them as earth=square air=circle fire=triangle water=crescent and ether(also called spirit)=egg shape, instead of all those unpronounceable names which only add to the confusion when we are talking about basic symbolism here.

    The fascination for me was that I did actually get different patters like it said which I found fascinating.

    (Please excuse any fuckups I have in explaining, I don't practice the Golden Dawn)


  5. The Book I got this overly complex stuff out of is from here.




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